I Must Be Nuts: Craving Uncertainty


Hey, remember me? It’s been a while. I have some news, but first I must apologize for my absence.

My “writer’s block” has always been a result of overwhelm; too many thoughts, feelings, memories and ponderings to get out that I end up not getting anything out. I guess I could say that this summer has been a muse for me. I’ve been on some great adventures, seen some amazing people, visited some interesting places, all both new and old. All of these moments are captured inside of the warm oven of my soul, baking slowly into something that eventually will be ready to come out of me in the form of written words. I hope, anyway.

See, I am so busy musing in my muse, that I have not had that outpouring of writing that just feels oh so right; the kind when I can’t stop writing because I am on to something. And there is a part of me that feels flabbergasted that this hasn’t happened yet. With so many tremendous experiences in the last couple of months, how has nothing come out of me?

But I know, slowly but surely, I will sink back into my normal mode of writing. I just need some time. And as the weather begins to shift, and the warm sun of summer loses itself behind the cool clouds of autumn, I know I will really start to dive in to the memories I have been creating this summer and put them into written words.  (Let’s hope)

In the meantime, I thought I would share a big decision I have just recently made for myself and my life. Actually, the events of this summer have played a big role in bringing me to this point.

Last week I gave notice to move out of my apartment I have been living in for a year and a half. My last day will be September 30th. By then, I will have sold all of my furniture and reduced my belongings to only what is necessary or sentimental. And then I will begin the fourth quarter of this year without a home of my own….intentionally. For at least a couple of months, I plan to stay with friends and family, and to prepare for the next step in the journey, which is the real juice of this decision:

I am going to buy a used RV and live in it full-time.

To say it was an analyzed, thoughtful decision would be a lie. In truth, it was a rash, impulsive decision that just feels incredibly right, but one I have also at times thought about in the first few moments of morning and said “what the fuck am I thinking?”

No, I have not lost my job. I’m not broke, or out of options. And I haven’t lost my mind. I simply want to eliminate the unnecessary means by which I live, and also take a leap into a new and challenging direction.

Lately (actually for a while now) I have felt pretty damn comfortable in life. I have an awesome job that allows me lots of flexibility and opportunity. I have amazing friends and family, plus a boyfriend who is better than I could have designed in my own head. Life is not just good, it’s great! So why do I feel the need to change anything? What’s so wrong with being comfortable?

Well, I don’t really know. I guess I crave a little bit of uncertainty in life. I remember playing a game with my Aunt Deb when I was fairly young. It went something like this:  She would drive and let me choose which direction we would go. I could say turn left here, or go straight here, and I would have no idea where we were headed. A lot of times she would always know exactly where we really were, but every so often, when there were so many rights and lefts, she would actually not know where we were or how to get back. I remember the excitement I felt when she would tell me we were really lost. My goal all along, even at that young age, was trying to get lost. I have always craved excitement and adventure, and a big part of that comes from not knowing what is going to happen next. Perhaps the adventure comes in trying to figure out how to bring myself “back”. Back to the road I know. Back to the baseline. Back to normalcy. Returning from chaos and uncertainty to calm and certainty. The triumph of returning from the unknown to the known.

Comfort is a great thing, but for me, it seems comfort can sometimes get in the way of personal growth. If I spend every day doing the same thing that feels good and comfortable, there is not enough uncertainty for me. I know more or less what is going to happen and what I can expect. Maybe my car will break down or maybe I will stumble across $100 or maybe some other unexpected event will happen. And it will inevitably. But that is like waiting for fate to come to me. I would like to take my fate into my own hands by choosing something I know will certainly bring me unexpected obstacles. Sounds kind of crazy, huh?

The challenge lies in handling the unexpected ‘s and the personal growth lies in the ability to triumph in those challenges. When I am doing or thinking or experiencing the same thing day after day, it reduces the amount of uncertainty, and I pretty much know what to expect. But trying something new, especially when I don’t know how it will turn out, instigates uncertainty. Conquering that uncertainty and that unknown expands my boundaries and grows me as a person.

I don’t have too much of a plan in terms of a timeline. At this point, I am aiming for early December or January as the RV move-in date. We shall see. And we shall also see what comes of this choice. It is inevitable that I will come to new realizations, even if it is only that I have made a terrible choice and hate living in an RV. I can’t know that until I do it, though. I also suspect I will come to love a home on wheels. The ability to spend the night in any place of my choosing while still being in my home makes my mind salivate. I am very, very excited. I also am scared shitless, and I know damn well there will be some very difficult points at which I might question my own sanity and even intelligence for putting myself in that situation. However, I believe in myself. The triumph in overcoming difficult obstacles is what strengthens the foundation of self-reliance and independence.

journeyfoot

I truly believe this, and also live by this statement. I have spoken before about challenging our personal boundaries of fear in order to expand those boundaries (read Facing My Bears), and I believe the same is true for the boundaries of ability and possibility. I believe we are all a lot more capable and adaptable than we give ourselves credit for, but the only way to know if we are is by trying. What we are capable of, or in other words our “boundaries of capability”, are really just limits set by our own perceptions. They may seem constant and fixed, but proof that they are not can be seen each time we are put in a situation we don’t feel comfortable with and then come out okay on the other side. Again, each time we conquer an obstacle we expand our boundaries. This choice to leave the apartment I have come to love, sell all of the belongings I have come to appreciate and step out into the unknown is a chance to wet my palette of adventure, but more importantly a chance to expand myself as a person.

Tony Robbins gave the following great speech, and brought to my attention the idea of certainty and uncertainty, and why we do what we do (because often times I have no idea why I am doing what I am doing!)

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What about you?

Do you prefer more certainty or uncertainty in life?

Do you choose to press your limits and challenge your boundaries, or do you prefer to stay comfortable and avoid the unexpected?

Is there something you have always dreamed of doing that just seems too difficult or even impossible? What holds you back? What is the worst that could happen, and if the worst happened, could you handle it?

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