Animals just do what they do. There is no conscious awareness or decision about whether or not they should do something. There are no morals. My dog doesn’t have morals. The only way she knows right from wrong is because I have trained her to know a good/bad, yes/no, right/wrong. We, on the other hand. Us humans. We can judge these things as we ourselves decide. And that’s what it seems I’m always doing. It’s like the ability to use reason has gone from being a great thing to being a potentially destructive thing. Have I gone overboard? Am I worrying too much about the righteousness and rightness and trueness and fairness and justness of every single goddamn thing? Even there. I naturally wrote goddamn, but almost edited my voice to say gosh damn because somewhere along the way I created some OCD rule to not use goddamn, as it might offend someone.
It’s the principle.
And that’s always my fucking problem. That I am such a person of principle. At an empty intersection in the middle of nowhere at night trying to go straight at a stuck red light, I’m about 95% sure that I would turn right and turn around and then turn right again. Even if I knew I wouldn’t get caught for running a red light, I think I would still do the “right” thing, even though I couldn’t give a shit if another person chose to blow right through that stop sign. I hold myself to the principle maybe just a little too hard sometimes.
Just another one of my blessing curse problems. There are so many. I write of them often.
And that’s all I feel I ever am these days. My best parts always acting as my worst parts and vice versa. Two opposing sides. Just a contradiction. Impossible to choose one, for you lose the other.
This is the source of my love for transitions. Cusps. Something else I write of so often. It’s the blend between two opposing entities. Dawn and dusk. Spring and Fall.
There are so many theories and perspectives and I see them all, and I just can’t choose. So instead I choose nothing. And I just wait. And watch.
Again, a blessing curse problem. The gift of wide range vision leads to the burden of not being able to choose just one perspective as right or wrong, for I see them all in their truth. In their beauty. As they are.
So I sit in the transition in order to be able to taste it all. To taste everything in a rainbow of hues. Saturated and diluted and diluted and saturated. Into one another. Blended.
I sit and I watch and I feel and I think and I ponder and I write. That is my sweetest spot. To absorb the world around and see it as it is and place it into the wider puzzle, a puzzle that seems to always be changing. The capturing of truth. And maybe I’m comparing the truth of what is to the potential truth of what could be. Always living in the future…
I think I need to broaden my activities and try more things. Not think about trying them and how it would be good for me or why I might or might not like it and what I am waiting for and what will happen when I do it. I need to go out and mother fucking do it. And sometimes those things are hard for me.
I think and analyze and strategize and watch and calculate. I want to try more. Just do. Without thinking so damn hard whether it is right or wrong, or just or true or real. I don’t want to question every GODdamn thing I do and how it impacts everything and everyone.
It’s like we are trying to be so conscious that we become self-conscious. I’m now mindful of mindfulness. Eat this. Drink that. Do this. Try that. This is bad. This is “rad.” Everyone is so “blessed” and I want to puke and celebrate every time I hear someone new using the word tribe. I believe in it but I hate it. How can that be? I believe in meditation, but I feel like a fucking sheep to admit to that. WTF? Shouldn’t I be embracing it and contributing to the promotion of it? It’s like pizza. Everyone likes it.
I’m amazed and terrified of what we are becoming. I’m skeptical and cautious. This is good, but wait, are we going a bit too far too fast?
This leads to exactly what twenty-five year old Michael I met in the bar the other night was saying. A Philadelphia native, he sees the progression of the Pacific Northwest almost as detrimental to the other regions that are not as open and accepting. He noted moderation as the key to making real and lasting change, and that perhaps us PNWers are too progressive for our own good.
Lately I feel like I don’t know how to live because my vision of the ideal world is there in my mind, but society is not that way yet, and I am left living in between these worlds, unsure of which way to go or how to be and wanting to be in the ideal world, but still being a product of this society and feeling guilty when I don’t measure up to the ideals of the utopian society.
I believe in living your beliefs and your values, but I guess I’m also questioning them at the same time. I need to get out in society more. The real one where you meet live people. I’m either in the woods or online, and perhaps it’s there that people are finding utopia, but is it real?
There is so much chatter, and I want to tune people out, but then at the same time feel like I will miss out on the experience of society if I do. And so here I am contributing to the chatter.
Again I want it all.
I want to experience it all to know which to choose, but I have to choose in order to experience any.
How do you deal with that?