The place inside my body below my belly button is contracting. Heavy and full like a basket, the crimson contents of which now seep from the place between my legs.
My mind is full from a weekend of Southern Idaho lands and skies, love and exploration. Those are the themes in my life these days. Together with my loves Kevan and Sage, we explore culture and nature and lives and people of southern Idaho, south-central Idaho to be exact.
The full and heavy energies that circulate within me as a product of these adventures must seep from me too. I need them to bleed onto the page. There is relief in the release.
The sky, too, is full and heavy. Clouds like baskets about to tip rain.
Everything has a cycle.
Even the moon, and today is the New Moon. The New Moon marks day one of a new cycle, and today is also day one of my own moon cycle. Finally I am synced to this one and only moon that we all share. For years I had a Red Moon Cycle, and I knew that one day I would align with the moon in the way they say all women did before there was artificial light. I knew that when I finally got my shit together in the love/relationship department, I would finally be aligned.
It should be no surprise to me then that I have started my cycle on the same day as the moon’s, for I finally understand what it really means to love.
Last year I really consciously made an effort to heal the parts that needed healing, and I was thereby granted the miracles that come through healing. Imagine that… we heal something and things feel better. Sometimes us humans operate in the most insane ways.
That’s where meditation and prayer have helped me. Prayer is the time when I ask the great spirit to guide me and use me for my role in the divine destiny, whatever it may be. I believe our “native genius” or our “calling” or our “art” or our “gift” is coming from something much greater than you or I. We all know the frustration we feel when we aren’t doing something with ourselves, because we know we are meant to do something. That thing we are meant to do.
We didn’t choose our gifts and blessings, nor do we choose our calling. We only must decide if we will take on the mission we have been given. Sometimes, though, the mission is unclear. The calling is not understood. We don’t know what to do with ourselves.
And that is one of the things I focus on during prayer.
I affirm my openness to fulfilling the obligations of my calling, and I ask for help in knowing what that looks like.
And then I meditate.
During meditation, the ego is absent, and it is then that the truth can be recognized. We recognize it each differently. For me, “I just know.” Oh, hey there intuition.
The practice of meditating silences our minds so that something greater than us can be heard and understood. We give space to hear and see so then we do hear and see.
We let go of control. We surrender.
It is then when we know what to do. In that moment.
From there, we each must act based on the information that has come to light. We will know what to do, and at times that might even look like not doing anything. When we are doing what we should be doing, we know. For me it feels like accomplishment and contentedness. Peace. When I am doing all the things.
The process of doing all the things is actually what heals me, ultimately, time and time again. It’s what brings me in to deeper alignment, and though not everything is always in alignment, I definitely have made some big life improvements that impact me dramatically every day.
Namely, I found faith. At 32.
And I can honestly say that if I had not found faith, I could never have found love. And finding love happened almost instantly after finding faith.
The relationship with what I call the great Spirit is the closest and most important relationship of all my relationships. When I finally “surrendered” (I guess some call this salvation), there was no fear. Swoosh. Gone. Transmuted.
The thing is, Ego and fear creep back in, again and again, day after day. Relentlessly. And it is all I can do to consciously make the space for surrender and release every day. I must. I accept this as a big part of my process for living. My formula. I am going to get off track. Fear is going to show up for work even on Sundays and often times it’s on the night shift. Our Ego is a strong-willed, deceptive son of a bitch.
Again, cycles. Those thoughts and fears, full and heavy and no longer needed, must also be expelled and purged, relieving ourselves of what has no purpose, even if it once did.
The moon. Our bodies. Creativity. Thoughts. Our routines. Everything has a cycle. Birthing and brightening before dimming and dying, only to birth once more in the very space that was created in death, fertilized and nurtured in the decay of what was. Again and again. And then again.
How lucky are we?